silly stuff

The Ugly Sweater Chronicles: Unraveled

/ Karina Pinella / 16 Comments

[A trilogy of “seamy” stories about the lure of ugly sweaters. 3 of 3; see 2]

Image: Pixabay

Image: Pixabay

Detective David LaFoote, along with his new junior partner, Detective Tobias LaFitte, shoulder their way in through the door. They look around the studio apartment, struck by the multitude of paper types pinned to a big bulletin board on the wall. Beneath all the newspaper clippings, invitation cards, and business letterhead is a large map of the metropolis. Different strands of colored yarn, connected by pins, point to specific locations on the map. Suddenly they hear a gasp and see a man cowering in the corner.

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” the man whines. He is wearing a green sweater with a big snowman on the front, grinning back at them. “I’m taking what’s been due me for years . . .” He rubs his nose, as he asserts himself.

“Save your breath, buster. When I was growing up I was told to crochet my own sweater. I got a ball of yarn, while my classmates had their ugly sweaters already made.” LaFoote shakes his head, marveling at how his deeply buried memories so readily surface.

“I’m really sorry to hear what happened to you, but at least you were given some colorful material to knit something new. All I ever received when I was growing up was a picture of an ugly sweater from a mail-order catalog.” The man is now raving on and on.

“Spare me any more sob stories. You’re going down.” Detective LaFoote motions to his partner and speaks with authority. “Book him, Danno–for burglary and grand larceny!”

“Um, David. The name’s LaFitte.”

“Can’t you just be Danno for today? I’m really feeling like the 5-0 right now,” says LaFoote, harkening back to his grade school years of adoring the original “Hawaii Five-0” series on Friday nights.  LaFoote strides away, glad but weary from the long hours of finally cracking open the Ugly Sweater Serial Stealer case.

[To see the first story, see 1.]

Ham Hocked

/ Karina Pinella / 4 Comments
Image: Pixabay

Image: Pixabay

Everyone in the office was in a flurry. They all received the same white envelope with a blue seal.

“I can’t believe they’re going to do away with our tradition,” Dora says to Mary, whose office desk is just inches away from hers.

“You must admit that they were kind enough to give us advance notice so we can start saving for our holiday dinner now.” Mary waves the letter from their company’s President, copied to Human Resources and their holiday ham supplier, “Ham Hocks ‘r You, Me, and Us, LLC”.

Dora sighs as she rereads the letter to Mary:

Dear Valued Employee,

 As our company is known to be charitable and humanitarian minded, we will be donating on your behalf the holiday ham to those more in need. I am sure you feel the same as I that this is for a good cause. To save up to purchase your ham for yourselves this holiday, see HR to have additional deductions made from your paycheck.

 In keeping with the giving spirit, your holiday bonus will be donated to the company’s annual holiday party. We can all look forward to this year’s buffet spread including two meat choices of roast and ham, plus two desserts. As a bonus, two more raffle items can be added to our usual three door prizes.

 I look forward to seeing you all at the holiday party.

 Holiday wishes,

 Brent Grimbsy
President, CEO, MBA, BSC, NBC, DeET, LDA, MlPH

Ghoulash

/ Karina Pinella / 15 Comments

ghoulash

A recipe to terrify (or choke).

Plop a hair extension on a carved squash. Top with a jeweled tiara. Cover the bottom with a frilly pink dress, and you’ve got a hot ghoul.

A ‘Nuff Said Series: The Exercised

/ Karina Pinella / 7 Comments

Warm-up: 180-Swivel Head Flex
head-turn
“Unh. . .”

Core: Torso Flex
torso
“Uff . . .”

Cool-down: Reverse Reflux

Image: Pixabay

Image: Pixabay

“Ukh . . .”

Quote Challenged

/ Karina Pinella / 8 Comments

Thank you kindly, vcreationss, for nominating me for the Quote Challenge. Because I’ve already done this challenge, I’m doing something a little different. Three of the attributions below are fictional, while one is not. Your mission is to determine how quote challenged I am. Which one is quoted by another? The answer is at the bottom of the post.

“Happiness is a warm gum.”
— Comedian George Burns in his nineties

Image: Pixabay

Image: Pixabay

“Forget putting my face on the $20 bill. Just put it in my pocket.”
— a working stiff with shallow pockets

Image: Pixabay

Image: Pixabay

“We can’t make people change, but we can ask them for spare change.”
— the NYC naked cowboy
cowboy

“Spread the table with good-looking food and no one will notice you left out the salt.”
— Julia Child
foodie

 

 Answer: A working stiff (who happens to be an office colleague)

Me and the Pokey Pigs (Version 1)

/ Karina Pinella / 17 Comments
Image by Blogetta

Image by Blogetta

The two long-time friends were just chillin’. Not a worry in the world. They were pig-headed about that. Once they set their minds to lounge, then lounge they would. They didn’t see any reason to run when the rangy man walked toward them with a hammer. Now they find themselves grillin’ on a hot bed.

Flash forward to a day at the park. This is the life. A sunny day and the sweet smell of charcoal wafting through the air. Just hangin’ out with a bangin’ crowd. A great summer start.
————————————————————-

pigheads

Me and Mr. Pokey Pig (Version 2: a six-word story)

Just chillin’; this is the life.

Oops Brief: Surprise Agenda

/ Karina Pinella / 14 Comments
allergy related accident

Image: Pixabay

The boardroom is full today because the company’s former Chairman, Mr. Ralph Finley, is in attendance to make a special endowment to the R&D group, among others. Twenty people sit around the rectangular conference table, all waiting for Mr. Finley, who is having a coughing fit. In between blowing his nose, he mutters to them, “Allergies, I forgot to take something for them today.” The people murmur their understanding. Suddenly, Mr. Finley sneezes so hard, his dentures fly out of his mouth and clatter on the table. For a moment, no one seems to breathe; the only sound is the clacking of teeth.

Undercover

/ Karina Pinella / 10 Comments

Peter left his undercover pig skin drying outside. He had been playing in the mud with the others and had to get away to wash some of the muck off his eyes. He is starting to get sucked into the easy life of his new friends, but he must remember his mission. He is a human trying to find out the secret happiness of the pigs, nothing more and nothing less. In and out. As soon as he figures it out, he’ll give up his undercover suit.

secret to happiness

Public Discourse

/ Karina Pinella / 2 Comments
customer service

Image: Pixabay

Cora from customer service assured the irate woman on the telephone that she will get her money back. “Of course, we will be happy to refund your money. First, you must repack what you have received and include the receipt and we will happily credit your account. Also, please provide a thorough explanation of why the product didn’t work for you and how we may satisfy your needs in the future. A minimum of five paragraphs will be required. Thank you for ordering our course on How to Smoothen Your Coarse Composition Style.”