Six-word story version:
Cartwright realized he will never sail.
Expanded version — 12-word story:
Land bound, Cartwright accepted his destiny — never to sail the high seas.
The cart that couldn’t.
On the boardwalk with no sail,
Only treads for wear.
Part 1: Little Joe
Part 2: Little Joe and Jo
Part 3: Just Jo (and multiple squeaks)
They are so miserly, they usually breakfast on moldy bread topped with moldy cheese. Expiration dates on products mean nothing to them. Comfortable with their pace of consumption, they want for nothing. Their brood follows the same values, as they continue to proliferate. They come from a long line of hardy stock. Next time you run into one of them, you might either scream or stomp on their hard shells. Cockroaches are fast though, so be prepared to chase them for months until they leave you unscrewed.
Kelly and her co-workers take their boss out to lunch to celebrate National Boss Lunch Day. They all like their boss, who is a generous and fair man. Each of them goes around the table to say a little something about their boss and toast him. Kelly happens to sit next to the man, so she turns toward him when her turn comes around.
Enthusiastic and nervous, she barely swallows the chunk of chicken she’s been chewing. As she simultaneously chortles, raises her glass, and says, “To the best boss ever,” tiny bits of meat fly out of her mouth and land on her boss’s glasses for all to see. To make light of the situation, he says, “Thanks, Kelly. Your delivery is spot on.”
The infamous Claire Vo Yancy aka Voyancé, Fate’s daughter, stopped by to give us a glimpse of the future. She’s mostly attuned to entertainment and technology. Let’s see what’s in store for us . . .
Voyancé: With reality shows being such a big part of entertainment, we will see more such shows targeting ever more specific audiences. Right now we have reality shows geared to dating and finding that right person, such as Are You the One?, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette. One of the shows I see on the horizon is called Are You the Last One? This program is geared for those over 80 years old. Six elderly couples will try to figure out their final match.
Another one is a game called It Said, They Said, where half of the contestants are channeling an inanimate object. For example, one of them would try to express what a chair might say if given the chance. It’s going to be an exciting breakthrough for those who have always felt they were born to be a tchotchke. What I don’t know is whether the Supreme Court will sanction special restrooms built for them.
Meanwhile, we’re going to find greater transparency in a new reality show called The Capital Grill, which is a day in the life of our President. We will get to vote on who sits on the hot seat alongside the President toward the end of the show. It promises to be as big as The Voice.
As for technology, I see a new product coming called iAm, which is a robotic clone of the owner. It’s a stand-in for when you cannot or don’t want to attend a function, like a certain holiday party, but your presence is considered important. An iAm would allow you to be represented by a reasonable facsimile. It’s like astral traveling except people can see you.
Interviewer: Thank you for sharing with us what we can expect. Do you have any last words?
Voyancé: One more show I almost forgot. It happens to be my favorite one. I can hardly wait for this. It’s called The Biggest Whiner. And it’s going to be great, big time. I’ll let you figure out what that could be about. Thanks for having me.
He: “I’m nuts about you.”
She: “You’re too nutty for me.”
He: “I got you nut ‘n honey cookies.”
She: “I got you nuttin’.”
He: “Want to watch The Nutcracker with me?”
She: “No, I’d like to crack your nuts.”
He: “You’re not so nice.”
She: “You’re nutso. Untie me!”
[Note: I know we’ve got no singing talent,
But our desire to extend Christmas merriment
Overrides any shame and embarrassment.
Thanks to Cabana Boy’s help with music and lyrics,
This quasi-rap song is performed by yours truly
And some rapper wannabees.
Our amateur audio performance moniker:
Two Foxy Chicks and a Hot Cougar]
Christmas Gotta Go On
Say what, whut
But . . . but . . .
Christmas can’t be over!
I’m not done wearing my ugly sweater
Christmas, man, is so much better
No, no, it’s gotta go on,
Lay off that tree, you moron!
Christmas ain’t done just yet,
I’se still waitin’ for my choo choo set.
Yo, Santa, you dissin’ me here,
Where be my Christmas cheer?
I been drinkin’ my nog and Jack,
Yo, Santa, you dissin’ my shack.
Say what, whut
I hear da ringin’
Santa, Santa, what you bringin’?
Don’t you worry, I’se ready to snooze,
I’ll leave out cookies, apple pie, and booze.